On my mind lately...

Most of the time my posts are short, sweet, and to the point however, something has been on my mind lately and I feel the need to expound. If you know me well, you know that I am a private person. My inner thoughts and feelings are not something that flow freely or easily. It is often hard for those nearest to me to get anything out of me and right now it is all coming and I'm not sure exactly why. But if I might be able to answer someone's question, help someone out there who is struggling, or if it's merely just therapy for myself it will be worth it. This October, Tyler and I will have been married for five years. Five years that have been filled with happiness, sorrow, success, disappointment, countless blessings, and a few unanswered prayers. I have come to understand that later our unanswered prayers often become experiences in which we grow tremendously. When we got married, I knew deep inside that conceiving would be difficult and so we decided to let nature take its course. Later I discovered that I had a medical condition that explained why this was the case. I will not sugar coat things. . . My struggle with infertility has been a private torment. As a woman and member of the LDS Church it is a strange place. I have always wanted to be a mother, there has never been a question in my mind of whether or not this was something I wanted. I am a loving and nurturing woman who needs and wants to take care of others. As a member of the church with the understanding of the eternal nature of families this is not taken lightly. I feel it is a privilege and responsibility given to woman to bear and raise children, and that is why when this is not something that comes freely or easily it feels unnatural and unfair. If this was part of a woman's role, why is it so hard for some women and not for others? I know that life is far from "fair" and it is often easy to wish to carry someone else's burden rather than your own. My point is not to wallow in self pity or ask for your sympathy. My point is to declare that this is real. This is a struggle and a pain for many women and that it can be difficult to bear. It is hard for those who have not felt this pain to understand the emotional burden that comes with it. Sometimes sitting in a church meeting is anguishing and sometimes a trip to the mall turns disastrous simply because watching a child or a mother is too difficult. The burden is not carried alone. . . the husband is there yearning for that same precious gift and picking up the pieces after his wife has had yet another emotional breakdown. {Thank you~you are amazing!} The purpose of me sharing this is for those friends & family who wonder what to say and how to ask. To that I say. . . THANK YOU for caring enough to wonder. We are trying and hoping that we will be blessed with that special gift someday. I can only speak for myself but I think others would say the say same, it is okay to ask~ just don't be shocked if the flood gates are unlocked. And to those who think "Isn't it about time for you to have kids?" is an appropriate question, I would ask to consider that carefully as it is a delicate and personal matter for many. It has been a while since I have been asked that but I can say it has happened on many occasions. And that's okay, I can smile about it now and know that they simply don't understand that sometimes the "Birds & the Bees" are not that simple. Sometimes I feel it is my responsibility to help them understand that and sometimes I politely smile and give some generic response. As we learn and grow through this experience, we become stronger and more prepared and I am assured that someday, someway I will be a mother. Sheri Dew has provided me peace in this statement:

"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

And so I will continue to do my best and know that I am learning from this and I that I am not alone. My voice is one among a choir of angelic women across the globe who sing my same chorus and in that

there is much comfort.